I remember being 19 years old, sitting in county jail awaiting sentencing to prison for a term up to 5 years. Having said that I don't think that I have ever been more nervous in my life than I am right now.
My girlfriend is the most amazing person that I have ever met. She is smart as fuck, she keeps me laughing all the time, she has a sense of compassion that is unmatched, she is one of those rare people that do not have a "best" physical feature because every part of her is so amazing, she has a beauty that I have never seen before nor would probably ever see again in anyone else.
By now anyone reading this is probably wondering "what is there to be nervous about?"...She is pregnant. Don't get me wrong, this is everything thing that I could ever wish for...she is everything that I could ever wish for.
The problem here is because of a terrible self realization. If I have ever truely completely hated anyone in my life it would be my father who left when I was 6 months old to drink all the time and fuck everything that moved. I was sent to live with him at 14 because I was running with a "street gang", an Irish pride organization known as "Kings Pride" or simply K.P. Even when I was forced to live with him he was never there for me.
My entire life I have said that I would never be like him. However looking back at my past thats exactly what I have done, be like him. I lived to drink and see how many cute girls I could in bed. Now that I am about to be a father I am completely terrified that I will not be able to be more of a father than I had.
I know that I do not want that and I will do everything I can to make sure that does not happen, but I can't help but think..."what if I am like him?" I am sure that it will not happen. My girlfriend had 2 beautiful little girls when I met her and I am basically their father now. I don't think that I am doing too bad at being a father either. That does not stop the fear though...I have never been this afraid before, I can't fuck this up, the 3 of them soon to be the 4 of them are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am sure that if I live to be 150 nothing better or even comparable will ever come along. Well this kind of went a different way than I had originally intended, I guess that's alright though.
"Where ever I am you will always be more than just a memory."