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July 30th, 2006

~Not Much~

One more time I have fucked up...the difference being that this time I have fucked up the best thing that I have ever had. I can tell what the odds are on which decision she will make. she won't even kiss me now. When she did I asked "What did you feel there?". Her reply was two simple words, not much. Now here I sit wonder how, if it's still possible, to fix this mess that I have made. Maybe I don't deserve the chance. To feel everything that matters dissolve is an indescrible feeling to say the least. Letting go is hard...but it seems that she has already started. I know that things are not broken beyond repair, I'm just afraid in her eyes they are. If so she will make her choice and I will respect it...I won't have a choice. But I will always remember the smile on her face the next morning when I asked if she still wanted to marry me.

July 28th, 2006

I am starting to understand some things...I am now seen as "clingy". The truth of the matter is that I feel like I never get to spend any time with her, my lover, my best friend...now when I try to spend time with her since I feel I never get a change those attempts are seen as "clinginess"(is that even a word? I guess it is now.) With that being fact I shall now distance myself. I do not want to be seen as "clingy" and if that is what my attempts to spend time with her are, they shall stop. I have spent my entire life being alone...if being alone is what she wants I'll give her the space. I will get my companionship at work and be greatful for what time she allows. I do understand that she is under a lot of pressure, but does she realize the pressure that I am under? She used to love to hang out with me...or at least it seemed that way, now the more I try to spend time with her the worse she tries to treat me. I simply don't understand it. With as much as we have lost already I still feel her pushing my away. The good times that we have had are many...and priceless. I just wish that she understood that even under stress we could still have those times with as much as we love eachother. Why does she still treat me like this and try to push me away? The world may never know. Would I not die for her? To say the least. She has become my world, my family, my life and I have complained not once. I just don't know why she feels that she has to treat me like this. If I do something that bothers her why can't she simply talk to me about it? That is what I would do if something that she did was bothering me. The main thing is that I now understand the misunderstanding...my attempt to spend time with her is seen as beinging clingy therefore I will keep my distance until she comes to me. When that time comes I will enjoy it. Till then I will bide my time.

July 26th, 2006

~Bad moods~

I thought that things were well, I guess not. Last night she said that she was going to be more open about her feelings and thoughts yet tonight the ride home was silent, when we got home it was silent, and now I am going to bed alone. She says she just has things on her mind...I just wish that she would be more open.

~Not all is lost~

Today I got some of the worst news of my life...we have lost our child. It feels like someone kicked me in the balls. Even with as close to the edge as this has brought me there is still hope. For not all is lost, I still have her and she still has me. We will still have our future together. However at least for now it is a little different than we envisioned.

July 23rd, 2006

~So much happiness~

Last night we just hung out and did Jäger bombs. We had such a good time together...as always. When we went to bed she told me something that suprised me. For a couple of weeks now she has been entertaining the idea of marrying me, what she didn't know was that I have been thinking the same thing. After she told me I did something that I have been wanting to for a little while now...I looked into her beautiful eyes and asked her to be my wife. So many people say that a loving relationship must be built from a foundation of friendship. I had no idea how true that was until I met her. We have been best friends for going on 2 and a half years and has been 2 and a half of the best years of my life. Now I have the happiness of knowing that this amazing time wont end. I consider myself a fairly intelligent person...but I can not find the words to explain to her how much she means to me or how happy she has made me. All that I know is that for the rest of my life I am going to spend everyday making sure that she knows that I love her and to make her the happiest person in the world. We have both been married before, and neither of us believed in marriage. The thing is that before her I didn't believe in real love...and I don't think that she did either. Our previous marriages didn't work the way that we had planned but I know that what we have will never end and could never be taken away. All day I have felt like I am dead, because the past 24 years I know that I was alive and I have never felt like this before...this happy...this in love and loved...this complete. We are so compatible that we hardly ever argue, and when those rare instances occur we just say "I love you...you're my best friend." and that ends it. I still can't believe that we are engaged...that I asked or that she said yes. I knew that if I did ask her and she said yes I would be extremely happy, but the reality is actually so much better than the thought.
"To make her happy and be the best husband that I can will not be a job or a chore...it will be a joy."

July 22nd, 2006

~So many thoughts~

I remember being 19 years old, sitting in county jail awaiting sentencing to prison for a term up to 5 years. Having said that I don't think that I have ever been more nervous in my life than I am right now.
My girlfriend is the most amazing person that I have ever met. She is smart as fuck, she keeps me laughing all the time, she has a sense of compassion that is unmatched, she is one of those rare people that do not have a "best" physical feature because every part of her is so amazing, she has a beauty that I have never seen before nor would probably ever see again in anyone else.
By now anyone reading this is probably wondering "what is there to be nervous about?"...She is pregnant. Don't get me wrong, this is everything thing that I could ever wish for...she is everything that I could ever wish for.
The problem here is because of a terrible self realization. If I have ever truely completely hated anyone in my life it would be my father who left when I was 6 months old to drink all the time and fuck everything that moved. I was sent to live with him at 14 because I was running with a "street gang", an Irish pride organization known as "Kings Pride" or simply K.P. Even when I was forced to live with him he was never there for me.
My entire life I have said that I would never be like him. However looking back at my past thats exactly what I have done, be like him. I lived to drink and see how many cute girls I could in bed. Now that I am about to be a father I am completely terrified that I will not be able to be more of a father than I had.
I know that I do not want that and I will do everything I can to make sure that does not happen, but I can't help but think..."what if I am like him?" I am sure that it will not happen. My girlfriend had 2 beautiful little girls when I met her and I am basically their father now. I don't think that I am doing too bad at being a father either. That does not stop the fear though...I have never been this afraid before, I can't fuck this up, the 3 of them soon to be the 4 of them are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am sure that if I live to be 150 nothing better or even comparable will ever come along. Well this kind of went a different way than I had originally intended, I guess that's alright though.
"Where ever I am you will always be more than just a memory."

I can't wait to find out

Poll #775860 Boy or Girl

Do you think our baby will be a boy or a girl?

I don't give a fuck
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